Relationship Red Flags: 3 Behaviors That Are Warning Signs
It’s a cliche, though somewhat true, that the course of true love never ran smooth. In any relationship, there are moments that don’t live up to the “hearts and flowers” romantic ideal - and in the general accounting of relationships, they’re small and fleeting. In fact, the occasional disagreement is probably healthy in the long term, as long as they get resolved.
While all of the above is true, it should not however distract you from the danger signs that point to an unhealthy relationship. These are warning signs that the person you are with has a pattern of toxic behaviors and will reach for those behaviors at any excuse. These actions go beyond little annoying quirks like a lack of punctuality or occasional messiness. If you see signs of any of the following, they need to be addressed because, left unchecked, they will dissolve all trust in a relationship.
Gaslighting
This term has become a commonly-used buzzword in the world of current affairs to the point where some people use it interchangeably with “lying”. However, gaslighting goes above and beyond simply lying. A partner who is gaslighting you might tell you something at one point, and then later on deny they ever said it. They won’t even entertain the idea that they might have forgotten what they said, but will move to trying to convince you it never happened, you imagined it. They will try to unbalance your experience of reality.
The purpose of a gaslighter is to leave you helpless, and feeling that they are the only person you can trust - above even yourself. Once they’ve done that, they can control you. If you experience occasions where your partner seems to lie pointlessly and transparently about a situation, how you deal with it on the surface can vary - but inwardly, you must retain your certainty and act based on that. Gaslighting is designed to make you powerless through self-doubt.
Cutting you off from loved ones
As with so many other toxic behaviors, this one can easily be disguised as concern for you. A partner may start by expressing disapproval of one of your friends: “I’m not sure why you’re friends with her. The way she behaves is beneath you.” might be how it starts. It might continue with deconstructions of other friends, and may also include emotionally manipulative statements such as “Do you have to see your friends tonight? Am I not enough for you?”. Unchecked, this behavior will seek to cut your friends out of your life and then start on your family.
Statements that seek to drive a wedge between you and loved ones are common in this kind of behavior. “I don’t think they like me very much”, or similar, will be designed to make you take sides, with the implication that you should take your partner’s side. It’s a behavior designed to isolate you from support structures and leave you reliant on them alone, giving them power and control over you. The point you need to make is that it doesn’t matter if they like one another, as long as they want the best for you. If this behavior persists in a marriage, contacting a divorce attorney is not an extreme reaction. Nobody should be seeking to exert such an unhealthy level of control over you.
Reversing victim and offender
The final (RVO) part of the “DARVO” process favored by manipulative partners arises when a partner not only refuses to accept a flaw on their part and instead turns it around on you. If your partner reacts to accusations of unreasonable behavior, not by explaining their behavior in a reasoned way but by picking a - real or imagined - instance in which you have been the offender, then they are simply seeking to distract. Step back and ask them: “Does that negate what we’re talking about right now?”.
Everyone makes mistakes and we all behave in a non-ideal way from time to time. If a partner is incapable of owning that side of themselves, then it’s a troubling sign. If they only ever bring up your - again, real or imagined - unreasonable behavior as a response to being called out themselves, that too is a concern. The way that we improve as humans is by acknowledging our mistakes and working on them, and if someone can’t do the first part of that it stands to reason that they won’t do the second.
Dealing with a partner’s toxic behavior isn’t easy, and you’ll need to have a strong support structure around you to do it effectively. The one thing you must not do in any of the above cases is go along with it for a “quiet life” - because each of these behaviors is only likely to get worse with time and repetition. Ask for help and don’t put yourself at risk - there’s nothing weak about having people around you when you’re dealing with toxicity.
