NOTE: This is an Op-Ed, meaning there is plenty of room for difference in opinion. Not all of my interviewees agreed on everything shared, and each argument is equally as valid. Take the time to learn from their unique perspectives, and try to separate yourself from assumptions and opinions. This is not my story to tell, but it is all our jobs to listen, so please, check yourself for your own biases while perusing and please and continue to call yourself out, while reading and beyond. To learn more about some of the issues brought up in this article, check out this piece from The Advocate, “16 Things I Learn From Having Sex With Trans Men.” The title is slightly fetishizing in and of itself, but the author does a great job at calling out his own biases and learning from his mistakes. It’s definitely worth a read or two.

GLOSSARY

Fetishization -- According to Farlex Partner Medical Dictionary, fetishization is “the act of worshipping or using for sexual arousal and gratification that which is regarded as a fetish”

Objectification -- To objectify someone means to treat someone as an object without taking into account their personhood, often in an sexual context
Cisgender (Cis) -- Someone is considered to be cisgender if their gender identity aligns with their sex assigned at birth. Sex! Does! Not! Equal! Gender!
Transition -- According to the American Psychological Association, transitioning is “the process of shifting toward a gender role different from that assigned at birth, which can include social transition, such as new names, pronouns and clothing, and medical transition, such as hormone therapy or surgery”
Trans Chasers -- According to Slate, trans chasers are “cis people whose primary sexual attraction is to trans people”, and are often exploitative in nature
Gender Dysphoria -- Physical, emotional and/or spiritiual distress related to the disconnect between one’s gender identity and their sex assigned at birth
Kink -- According to this all-encompassing definition from Psychology Today, kink involves “engaging in behaviors that generate a certain power dynamic, experiencing attraction towards acts with a certain power dynamic, and adopting an identity that conveys a certain power dynamic.”
Microaggression -- According to Merriam-Webster, a microaggression is a “comment or action that subtly and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member of a marginalized group”

ANONYMOUS NYU STUDENT:

Most common fetishizers/objectifiers: In the interviewee’s experience, cisgender gay men approach trans men with an unsettling curiosity. They have seeked him out for a purely sexual purpose, even though they clearly are capable of respecting and appreciating differences without making it their defining feature.

Being fetishized means you're replaceable: Even if the fetishizer is absolutely obsessed with him, he has found this to inevitably be a temporary illusion. When fetishization is involved, personality is mainly unimportant, and sexual partners become replaceable, which is a dehumanizing scenario that he strongly avoids.
DIfferent fetishizing versions of cis men: Interviewee places cis gay men into three subcatagories. Group one actively seeks out trans men, group two is curious about parts and differences and is turned on by it but not specifically seeking it out, while group three, which is on “the better end of the spectrum,” tolerates his transness, but would not be into any other trans men.
Reason he is okay with the third version of fetishizers: Group three is the lesser evil to him because unlike those who seek him out in group one, he would not be easily replaceable to them. He respects that some people are not attracted to his body. As long as they are not expressing hatred towards him, he does not find fault with their position. However, he still wants somebody to respect him for the body that he has and chooses to be with people who do not feel the need to fetishize him or merely “tolerate” his transness.
Pre- and post- transition: Cis straight men placed their pleasure at the center of most sexual experiences (one-sided gratification) and would assert dominance in an unhealthy way. This continued on post-op, but now with cis gay men who assume all trans men bottom. Again, this is a form of dick-centered sex, which he finds insulting to trans men and to anybody for that fact. As he puts it, “just because someone is sleeping with me, it does not mean they respect me or recognize my maleness. It just means I am a tool for them to get off”. Even so, he approached gay men immediately post-transition to see if they recognized him as a man, which is actually quite common for trans men. Read more about this phenomenon here, from our friends over at Them.
Fetishization vs. objectification: Similar to the argument against reverse racism, objectification is an action, whereas fetishization is a systematic, power-based representation of the action. In turn, trans men cannot fetishize cis men, but they can objectify them.
Playing into trans-chasing kink: When asked what he thought about those who accept fetishization and may even seek it out, the interviewee empathized deeply. It is immensely difficult to reclaim a negative social narrative and turn it into a positive, but for those who are not considered to be transitionally desirable, self-fetishization is a way to feel desirable. It is a way to “control what you have control over, it is a coping mechanism over minority stress, and helps to turn pain into pleasure.” Accepting fetishization is not something he recommends to others, but at times, he will play into it as well.
Weeding out fetishizers: At first, fetishizers were a strict no-no for the interviewee, but as he grows into his manhood, he is more able to take what he wants from a sexual experience and feels there are certain levels of fetishization that he is comfortable with. Higher self-esteem and testosterone are his main reasons for this leniency, but he also finds it exhausting to have to fight back every time he experiences microaggressions.
Fetishization is a microaggression: Microaggressions, whether intentional or not, are worded weapons that subtlety remind someone of their differences. Fetishization is all about being fascinated, and turned on, by these differences. Whether it is disguised as a compliment or it is outright derogatory, commentary and actions that pinpoint our differences hurt. Fetishizers treat him like an animal at the zoo to be oohed and aahed at, not treated with mutual respect.
Advice for others regarding fetishization: Ask yourself, “Do you feel respected? If you feel comfortable, call them out on what you deem unacceptable. Just recognize that cis men are often so uncomfortable with saying the wrong thing that they may avoid these conversations at all costs instead of trying to learn and course-correct their harmful behavior. Contemplate whether your sexual partner would listen and adjust their behavior or if they would just find someone to replace you with and avoid trying.”

DANIEL-JOSÉ SANTIAGO CYAN H.

Most common fetishizers/objectifiers: Daniel has found that it is mostly the lesbian community who fetishizes him, whether on Facebook dating groups, apps or in person. They argue that he is still an acceptable partner for him, because they feel safe with “anybody but cis men,” which to Daniel, begs the question, “What is the difference?”

Being defined by parts: Fetishization is often part-specific, as many are under the assumption that trans men do not have a penis, even though “some people get the extension pack,” as Daniel describes.
Being defined by experiences: These fetishizers often assume his experiences make him more feminine in attitude and personality, but this is not the case. Some trans men even transition in childhood and have a genuine “boyhood,” so they can also be raised in a similar fashion to a cis man with the same biases and privileges.
Trans men can be misogynistic sometimes, too: When he asks lesbian women why they immediately believe him to be harmless, they explain that they have had traumatic experiences with cis men. However, when he questions this, they often reveal that they categorize him based on his assumed parts and experiences, feeling that he is incapable of traumatizing them, too, due to this. Daniel sees this as faulty logic. He has male privilege, as do most other trans men, and “can still be just as shitty as cis men.”
Easier to conform to masculine standards than feminine standards: Post-transition, Daniel will sometimes slip up and say something misogynistic. Over time, he forgets his past experience, the trauma he experienced growing up AFAB (assigned female at birth). In order to combat this fault, he asks to be called out upfront, specifically by his girlfriend (he does the same with her in regards to racism, as she is white), and then works to adjust his behaviors accordingly. Holding himself accountable is crucial, for “it is easier for trans men to be accepted in the world, especially if they pass,” whereas trans women are received more critically on a societal level.
Prying into his private information (and parts): Daniel notices a lot of prying when it comes to his gender identity. People feel entitled to private information on the subject, asking him various personal questions regarding his dead name, his parts, and so forth, without any consideration as to how rude their behavior is.
Advice for others regarding fetishization: Try to stand up for yourself, call out behaviors by asking “why” if you feel comfortable doing so in the moment. Of course, Daniel acknowledges that just like everybody else, trans folk have uniquely valid approaches to confrontation as well as personal beliefs and values and may not feel comfortable doing so, which he respects.
Zero tolerance for fetishization: Personally, he prefers to call out fetishization because, for him, “being trans is only [his] experience, not who [he] is.” It is not all he identifies as, and so he refuses to be around people who define him solely by his parts.
Fetishization versus “defetishization”: Daniel feels that he receives both too much attention and too little attention, for some people are unable to hold him to the same sexual standard as cis men, which he coins as “defetishization”. He experienced this a lot during the early processes of his medical transition, often receiving the complement of “cute,” rather than sexy, handsome, or hot. He felt as if they were desexualizing him, deeming him to be unattractive simply because he is trans. If interested in exploring this topic further, make sure to check out his (NSFW) photography portfolio celebrating trans male sexuality, which can be accessed here!

ALEX HERNANDEZ

Most common fetishizers/objectifiers: Alex has dishearteningly found that members of the black community, which he belongs to, are most likely to fetishize him or conversely attack him for being trans. He assumes that many of these black men are in the closet and/or questioning and that they see him and other trans people “as a halfstep into the gay experience”. Due to his body parts, they do not consider sex with trans folk to be “fully gay,” but when sex involves another cis man, then it becomes real. There has been plenty of controversy regarding trans fetishization being recognized as a sexual orientation. To read more, check out this article from The Advocate here.

Fetishization versus fantasy: “People look at my body as if I’m a freak, a novelty, an oddity, like I am just a body to use in order to cross something off their sexual fantasy bucket list. I am a full person, not a commodity.”
Fetishization can be trauma-based too: Alex also noticed that fetishizers tried to play on his dysphoria and self-esteem issues to get what they wanted from him. In the middle of sexual experiences, they would ask him demeaning questions about his parts and experiences in order to make him feel bad about himself and to invalidate him.
Weeding out fetishizers: The second they poke and prod and turn his “gender into a big thing, instead of just acknowledging it and moving on,” he already has his finger on the block button. No amount of explanation will teach them to change, but it will leave him exhausted and hurting. He has no time for fetishizers, and owes them nothing.
Fetishishization and rejection: When Alex rejects someone who is fetishizing him, their sexual attraction will quickly turn transphobic. They always consider him to be a freak, but when sex is involved, that is beneficial to them. When that is taken out of the equation, all that is left is hate and ignorance.
Fetishization can also be dangerous: Fetishization can definitely be dangerous, more so for trans women then for trans men, as there is violence against femme-identifying women regardless of sex. It is easier in our society to objectify women, especially if they do not fit into a specific mold. Straight men who sleep with trans women have been known to turn violent if they feel “duped” once body parts are revealed. Whether you are a trans man or woman, there is always a risk of danger, “especially if you find out somebody is a chaser in person and then you reject them in person.” Check out this article from The Advocate’s Boys Do Cry series, which discusses violence against trans men, to learn more.

KNIVES

Cis men assume they will be submissive and feminine in bed: Just like everybody else, nonbinary people have an individual combination of sexual preferences. Don’t be an ass. Don’t assume.

Queer folk assume they will be dominant and masculine in bed: Seriously, what does “being nonbinary in bed” even mean? They like what they like, and that’s all there is to it!
“Best of both worlds” assumption: Past bisexual partners discuss Knives’ gender identity to the nth degree, which can feel more like an infatuation than a conversation. Pinpointing differences under the guise of interest is not cute. Stop doing that.
Nonbinary folk objectify each other, too: Being skinny, white, and androgenous is the “in” thing within the nonbinary community. This over-sexualized and exclusive aestheticization leaves anyone who does not fit this description to feel rather inadequate and also affects the folks who do fit this description in a negative way. Just like Knives said, it is uncomfortable to be constantly defined based solely on your appearance and gender.
Over-the-top affirmation of gender: Even if it is not purposely hurtful, bringing up gender identity during sex is not something you would do with a cis partner, so it makes Knives uncomfortable. Their partner sometimes does this as a way to affirm their identity, and they appreciate the sentiment, but drawing attention to one’s differences is not the best way to connect and validate someones’ experience.
Fetishization can be dangerous: One time, Knives met up with a cis male friend of a friend who asked to hang out with them online. When they met up in person, he immediately began to fetishize their gender identity and sexuality, even going as far as to try and “change their mind” about who they were. Once Knives stood their ground and held firm to their identity, the situation quickly escalated. He forcefully tried to pay Knives for sex and got aggressive, which led them to almost call the cops. Luckily, they were able to escape in time.
Advice for trans folk when in dangerous scenarios: If you are ever feeling unsafe, get out. As messed up as it is, do not call out behavior in person if you notice they are starting to get aggressive and the mood has changed. You can always have a conversation later if there was a mix-up. Avoid the potential for harm always. Maybe it will give them some time to learn from their mistakes.
Advice to readers: Do not take call-outs personally. It is not about you. Just respect nonbinary and/or trans folks wishes, and do better to not make them uncomfortable. Put yourself in their shoes even if it may be hard to imagine themselves as nonbinary. Imagine what it would be like to be asked every single day about what type of body parts you have and to be belittled or disrespected for who you are.

The Moral of the Story:

We have nothing but time at the moment. Time to think about our behaviors, our individual values, our interpersonal relationships… we put out so much into the world with every word, every thought, every tweet. Now is the time to be intentional with these words. How do the things we say affect one another? How do the things we believe affect those we’ve never even met? Choose to be a good ally in a world full of unique personalities and struggles. There is too much pain and suffering to add hatred and misunderstanding into the mix. Let’s listen to those we may not have been previously acquainted with. Let’s empathize with those who have been quieted. Speak up and stand up for what matters. And everyone matters. No matter if you are aligned with their universe or not.

Trans Fetishization in a Transphobic World