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Is Everyone in Doubt of their Gender Affiliation at Some Point?

Is Everyone in Doubt of their Gender Affiliation at Some Point?

I got this short fellowship in a University far away from home and as you can imagine, I couldn’t wait to go and meet other creative minds. I am a professional Toronto GST Lawyer but the fellowship was on creative writing, a cause I had followed passionately since I was a teenager.  

So, I finally got to go and from the get-go, became instant friends with a beauty from Malawi. Could have been her brown eyes or was it her hearty laugh that got my attention and I immediately found myself being drawn to her. Meso – that was her name – and I immediately too to the streets of Sydney, touring every nook that we could find. It also helped that we were passionate about food and ready to explore the street food.

In class, we were paired for this narrative sessions where one of you was to start a story that the other could pick up seamlessly. Basically, you were supposed to tell the same story and so in a way, you needed to be in sync. Meso and I couldn’t have been more different – seeing as she is Malawian and I Canadian. Yet, we managed to seamlessly tell a beautiful story that the moderator commissioned. We were to co-write that narration into a 5,000-word short story. This, believe me, was accomplished in a couple of hours. Such was our connection.

After that session – Narratives lasted a week – we kept being paired for short projects that we executed effortlessly. In only four weeks of being together, I had never been closer to a person that I was Meso – a fact she confirmed too. So, on the fifth week when was paired with some guy – Mika – for yet another short project, I couldn’t help but feel very jealous of their instant chemistry. See, Meso had this habit of looking in my direction and winking whenever our eyes met. A cheeky, playful wink, then she would give her undivided attention to Mika again. Sent me all sorts of emotions and I just couldn’t focus much even though I had the most amazing partner in Leona.  

The sixth week was our last in Sydney and even though we weren’t paired, I found myself leaning on Meso heavily. She, on the other hand made friends with every other participant and even won a deal to publish a novel, thanks to her artistic prowess. All this time – when she was making friends with the rest – she kept me in what felt to me as a special zone. She would constantly hold and squeeze my hand when we were in a crowd and was always able to tell when I was in distress and in need of a friend. She dedicated all this time to helping me finalize my last project on the last week of the fellowship.

Now I’m back home and for the life of me, I can’t focus on anything than Meso’s hand squeezes. I love her. Fiercely. We have been speaking every day for the last six weeks and I am convinced that my feelings for her are more than platonic. I’ve never felt this way for a woman before but I am ready to explore whatever this could be. As I type this, I am at the airport on my way to Malawi.

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