SHORT STORY: Damsel in Distress
by Jessica Peng
Dear literally any confessyourmess.net user:
You gotta help me. My girlfriend has been executing this crazy, drawn out revenge against me for the past year and I just can’t take it anymore.
It all started back in February, the night I beat her at Halo, and I guess I must’ve said something like “Man, you girls sure suck at video games.” Well, she got this look in her eye, and I know that look very well. It’s a look that says many things, all of which are terrible for me, and I realized I had said something very wrong. But then the look faded away, and with it, so did my cold sweat.
All was well until the next week, when we got invited to Brenda’s for dinner (that’s one of my girlfriend’s girlfriends). The thing is, Brenda was a terrible chef, and so when we finally got home, I was like, “Babe, can you make something to eat real quick? Brenda’s cooking was awful; I barely ate anything all night.” And she gets that look, and she goes, “No, honey, because like Brenda, I am a woman, and like all women, my cooking is awful.” And I was like uh oh... here’s when Halo comes back to haunt me.
I’ve been living off microwave dinners since (I never learned to cook).
It gets worse. One time I went over and my girlfriend started yelling at me to stay back and I was like, “Honey, what’s wrong?” and she said, “I was watching CSI. There was a man who was a serial killer. I suddenly realized you men are great at serial killing.” And so it goes.
It’s been a year. I’ve honestly learned my lesson, and believe me; I am done making sweeping generalizations about half the planet. However, she won’t believe that I’ve changed. “All men are dogs,” she’ll say, deadpan, looking at Charlie (my male dog).
So there you have it. I’ve confessed my mess. And here I am, about to cast my 21st century message in a bottle into this overflowing virtual ocean. Please send advice, or maybe a time machine.
Distressed,
Dave
Jessica Peng (or Jess for short) will be a high school senior this September. She likes sweet foods and bad puns and hopes for a world with a lot more diversity in the media.
